*sighs happily* D2 is really quite perfect. If he knew half of it he'd probably argue to me to death. TO DEATH!

So he planned a splendid date tonight. We started at a hotel (the first time he ever took his girlfriend to a hotel) and walked around Opry Mills Hotel together, just enjoying the 'river' and waterfalls and general ambiance. And then we drove to Virago and had dinner. And it was fun!

He looked quiet dashing.

After that we drove back and sat in a parking lot and just talked. He was very open and honest with me, and I appreciated it greatly, I know how hard it is for him to do that sometimes. (most of the time) And it was just nice, and relaxing, and I completely enjoyed it.

I respect and enjoy him so much. I don't think he even knows! He's just so dang soothing and relaxing. I can't help it. I just like being around him. Like I can be so wound up and tense and uptight and having a horrible day, but then just seeing him and being around him totally relaxes me.

Sometimes I pray... no you know I'll tell you that one another day i think.

Sometimes I feel bad cause I think i'm doing all the talking, and he just has to interrupt me, but I dunno. i'm rambling I should go to bed... I think I will right more later

~E

--30--

Seriously. I don't know what do. No matter what I do it's not helping. And SW's telling everyone but the one person she needs to be talking to.

I'm need more sleep me thinks.

Crap.

that's all.

Crap.

*facepalm* I'm pretty sure that's today... all freaking day
~E

Yeah I'm still laughing about the whole 'kids' thing. Oh D2 you make me laugh. Seriously? *shakes head* yeah that's not a conversation I'm even gonna think about bring up for a good while. But you're way adorkable, and I'm totally okay with you panicking about that. I'm pretty sure you should panic if I brought that up right now. And I'm pretty sure you should slap me upside the back of my head if I do/did.


And yeah. The Cookies? *facepalm* not even. KC, you're dumb. Please try to fix that.

Yeah... no I'm not even gonna attempt to even dictate what I'm thinking/feeling right now.

They're crazy. How can you not smell massively burnt cookies that are still cooking?

And now it's ok to leave windows open? Why is it suddenly safer? seriously?

~E

--30--

The Sweetest Thing

Hmmm where to start.

I'm pretty sure I've talked it all out this time around, and I've been much to busy to have an epiphany... well cept when I was talking to Babers today.

So to update the world this was this weekend, talked with SW about some stuff that has been bugging her, the talk is summed up as follows:

She doesn't hate the D2,cause she doesn't know him, "you can't hate some one you don't know" she "resents him" (but you can't get to know someone you can't spend five minutes around with out blowing up and storming off.) (even though I've heard her say, "i don't like D2, at all." but whatever. She didn't explain that anymore, and I didn't ask.

She's not jealous of me. She's happy for me. He makes me happy. She does want to hear about him, but just not in the vomit way, and 'face' is literally ready to physically vomit on me. (I'm sorry? you're happy for me, but I have to censor how I talk about chunky? Somehow I'm not seeing how that's being a good friend) And I realize that happy for me doesn't mean she wants to hear about it all the time, which is why I try not to flaunt it (so to speak) in her face. I know what it's like to be the one that everyone has some one and is happy and you don't.

I apparently act like 16 year old with her first boyfriend around her, and am totally following my gut instincts. To which I can only roll my eyes and say, if she only knew how many times my gut saying "oh go for this!" and I choose not to take an action. Yes I know I act quite childlike and giddy with D2. But that's part of my personality that i don't feel I can be like with most people, well the giddy. I'm always childlike. And Everything within me wanted to be "SW, if this ends in the goal that both of us are heading towards (barring the fact that God's will may be shown to be something different) and we get married, then it's only gonna get worse. you know that right?" but I didn't.

And my personal favorite! She doesn't like being around D2 because I act like a bitch when I'm around him. I honestly have been going through the times we've been around each other all together, and the only thing I've come up with is... I sit with him, and he puts his arm around me, so I'm not sitting with them. But that could be just cause I'm in the situation and I can't see it. So do I? Act like a bitch I mean?

She says she knows it's because it's new and I'm still trying to impress the boyfriend, and make him like me more, so I don't want him around other girls because I'm being protective and what not

Uh what? I know he likes me just the way I am. And me and him have actually talked about it. I've even told him he should go talk to other girls, you know that. So on that (the bitch) one I'm honestly at a loss.

Sis thinks that maybe, perhaps (she's not sure, but she knows it's this way with her and face and sis's bf.) that maybe SW says things towards D2 that are on the mean side that could be taken playfully, but since I know she doesn't like him, I get defensive and snap at her. Which I suppose is a possibility, but again I can't think of anything, since most of the time... she just kinda ignores him.

Oh and she feels like I'm ditching my friends. may or may not be true. I know it's seemed like it this past week, since I worked so much, and it was all closes and school and such, but I was still making the effort, at least with SW, face not so much, but that's cause Of the whole Face/KC thing. SW wasn't here the start of my closing week (not this most recent weekend but the one before that) and then had things she was doing on those days and times I could do something.

So the only thing out of all of this that I could change is to tell her that I know she's used to more spontaneity, but with so much pull for my time from other people, we're just going to have to set aside a day or time each week and say from this time to this time. It's our time.

I know it's bad of me, but, I'm more inclined to not take her concerns seriously. Well as seriously, because 1) I can't see much truth in them, and 2) it's two people (well one... who tells me what the other's saying; face and SW) out of EVERYONE and I mean everyone who knows D2, knows me, has seen us together. Everyone else (including my parents) are ok with everything, and actually love him and say how perfect we are for each other.

~end of recap/pastings~

So now for my slight epiphany whilst talking Babers. She's going through a really rough time. In a small way, I understand where she is.

Any way we were talking about why for some people it's so hard and it seems trial after trial after trial. Where as other people it just falls into place (seemingly for){of course we were discussing relational issues...}

And you know it hit me then. Those who go through all the hard places and hold out through them, and wait patiently for just the right thing, when they finally get it, it will be infinitely sweeter to them, than anything that those who seemingly have everything fall into place.

So, Babers, hold out for it. Don't settle. I love you more than I could ever say, and don't worry, I've got one end of the net, in case you fall off the trapeze. HE holds the other, and He'll never leave nor forsake you, and I'll be around to help you up, and push you back out there to try it again, 'til you bet it right. :D

Crap. The one thing I was trying to avoid is happening. Why I gotta be friends with people that can't just talk online or write letters when somethings bothering them?

I don't think she's gonna be very happy with how the talk goes.... Cause I"m pretty sure that any response I have to to what she says (in the moment) she's not gonna like, so I"m just not gonna say anything. At all. Until i've had time to think about it.

She knows this. It's what I did to my marine. Whom i have been friends with longer. So why wouldn't I do it to her?

Completely frustrated and a little miffed, but mostly just sad, cause I can't see this working out well, well, well according to her and what she has in mind.

--more--

I want to curl up under a nice big blanket, and just zone. I don't really want to think about anything, do anything talk to the majority of people, nothing. That's the day it's been to day.

although i do have something good to share later.

more

So, today was... not good. Right? Right. Glad we cleared that up.

But even then God has a sense of humor and perfect timing. And He's amazing (totally thanked him for D2 today though when and what I said I'm not saying. But it was nice, a quite little moment with D2 and God.)

AND! plot bunny so back to the God stuff after this brief message.

Life is so fragile, and we forget that so often. We get caught up in everything we have to do, the 'tasks' that we think are important, that we forget to enjoy those quiet moments with God or other humans. Sometimes those quiet moments with other humans are not only gifts from God, but can be quiet times with God as well. He can use that to teach us important but subtle life lessons.

So take time to enjoy those times God gives you with other people. It may be just what you need to make it through a unseen (or seen as the occasion may come about.)

Christ realizes we are tangible people. After all He made us didn't he? As such He gives us tangible moments in which we can experience those abstract ideas. When we have something tangible to attach something abstract to, we can recall the tangible aspect of it anytime we need it, allowing us to focus on the abstract and thus enabling us to capture in some small way that abstract (like peace, contentment, joy, et cetera) when we need it most.

And now back to you regularly scheduled program.
~.~.~.~

So God. Yes. Awesome.

My devotionals this morning?

1) {I did two from a rather cheesy but still very good, "His Princess; Love Letters from Your King" inside joke from my parents} Jeremiah 1:5 "I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my spokesman to the world."
I have called you to be set apart, just as I called those who came before you. I know this calling will sometimes come with a great cost, but the eternal rewards are priceless and beyond comparison. Just as I did with Queen Esther, I have given you the ability to walk in such a way so all will see that you are divinely Mine. Some will admire you for your dedication to Me, and some will want you to fail rather than follow your lead. you may fall because you are not perfect, but your mistakes can be the tutors that make you wiser. Don't put pressure on yourself to be perfect. I'm the only one who can perfect you, My princess. All I ask is that you let Me set you apart so that I use you as a witness for the world to see

*le sigh* Sometimes I don't want to be set apart. I don't want to Be Queen Esther. But even when things are going bad, such a time as this. So i just have to 'stand in the rain' and trust God.

2)(the Killer! *pulls out knife*) Psalm 126:5 "those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."
I see how hard you try to handle your heart, and I know you want to live a life with out heartaches or pain. I'm asking you to take a step closer to your Father in heaven by crying out to Me when you hurt. Let Me heal you. Remember My chosen, King David? He cried out to Me in his fears, disappointments, and sin, and I answered. You are also My chosen one, and you are My daughter...so it's okay to cry. I don't expect you to pretend that pain is not real. It is truth and tears that will give you freedom that I want you to know. Now let go of that part of your heart that only I can heal. Let your heavenly Daddy hold you while you cry.

Not even gonna say anything about that... Anyone who knows me, knows just 1) what that really means to me, 2) why that was killer for today.err yesterday. whatever.

I think that's it for tonight. I'm sure I'll have more tomorrow.
~E

--30--

I had a bit of a realization last night.

I have to learn to trust other people better.

That is all.

I really miss my friend Babers. She hasn't been on a lot because of school, and i haven't been on a lot because of work and school. We are both at similar spots in our lives so it's nice to talk to her.

Going dress shopping with Sis today. It's gonna be fun!

--more--

And more Boyfriend news (and yes until I come up with an appropriate nickname he shall be boyfriend, and he didn't like mine... so oh well) [eta D2 it shall be]

But I have this habit of making him uncomfortable sometimes. Sometimes I don't do it on purpose, sometimes I do.

I'm not... prudish... I guess when it comes to things dealing with sex. To me it's just another subject matter, that while I may not bring up, (time and place for everything and all) But if it's brought up around me I'm not gonna shy away from it.

I guess part of it has to do with the way I was raised. I used to be that kid who thought sex was a bad word and would blush a little at the mere mention of the word.

But I finally realized, that really that wasn't God's plan. I think that to many kids raised in the church go into marriage with that mind set-- sex is bad-- and it screws them up.

That and I have brothers.

I made him really uncomfortable last night, and for that I'm sorry. But I'm even more sorry I didn't trust him. He knows what I'm talking about. I think, if not he'll ask and then he will.

--more--

I'm kinda of sick of it. that is all.

Part of me just wants to quit it. But I know I can't. I don't want to care. But I can't help myself, I do.

Why can't she just trust me? and what she knows about me? Why does she doubt my loyalty?
I shouldn't fret about it. I know I shouldn't. But I'm going to gosh darnit. Cause contrary to her opinion I do care about her.
~E

--30--

Hello again.

So I just have a few things to say.

I absolutely love who I am. Most of the time. Occasionally, occasionally one of my strengths out of balance bugs me.

Sometimes I want to change who I am. But I don't feel the freedom to do so, well not the freedom to do so, but the freedom to change the things I would like too.

And here's were I get to brag on my boy. I don't have that problem with him. He likes me for who I am, just the way I am. That! gives me the freedom to be better, my best. Not only gives me the freedom, but makes me desire to be the best that I can be.

And here's were I correlate that.

I was thinking about it last night when he was over. Well mostly the bragging part not the correlation, the correlation came during sleep/this morning.

That's exactly how Christ is and wants us to be with Him. He loves and accepts us exactly as we are. That is so freeing, but most people miss it, because they get so caught up in His perfectness that they feel intimidated and feel they have to be perfect instantaneously. But that isn't true. HE LOVES us the way we are. But He Loves us to much to leave us the way we are. Because of that acceptance we have the freedom to change as things that aren't healthy for us, or perhaps aren't us at our best are brought to light.

And I have a lot more to write about. And I will but lunch calls so until then.

--more--

So D2 came over last night and we read together some. It was nice; he's way cute and awkward sometimes. I like it.

I don't know if he knows I noticed but he was tracing his initials into my leg last night. It was tres cute.

He also said something about how I had to go and ruin it, he had almost got it were he could play with my hand and me not play back.

What he doesn't know... but he does now... skank ... is that it was pretty much only cause I was sleepy and quite content.

It's odd really. I was listening to Casting Crown's 'The Voice of Truth' the other day and it just really hit me, that sometimes I do wish to "step out of my comfort zone/into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is/and He's holding out his hand."

I have wished that for a long while. And when I'm not with D2, sometimes it scares me how much it is the unknown, and I don't know what I'm doing. It's those times that Christ is just like, 'trust me. I have a plan'

On the flip side when I am around him (both the boy and Christ, for the two are mutual in many ways.) It's just... comfortable. I don't really think about any thing like that.

D2 makes me happy; anyone can pretty much see that. He makes me happy for one of the main reasons, he truly and honestly want God first in both our lives. Which takes the pressure off of both of us so much.

It makes me laugh, though that everyone keeps cautioning me that it might not work out. I laugh, not because what they say is invalid, but that I know this. I tell people this.

And here's the thing. Yes I know that if we don't work out, then yes, it'll hurt, for both of us. But I can rest assured in knowing that even if it hurts for a little while, I will be ok, as will he, because 1) we are both seeking God's Will in all of this. 2)that means that we weren't God's Will for each other, but that the time we did get to spend together was. And because of that. We both want to be edifying and help grow the other.

D2 does. He forces me to attempt things (and keep attempting) that I may think I can't do.

This is gonna come as a shock to those that know me. But I'm really a shy person. Particularly in areas or situations that are new to me, or in which I don't know what is expected of me. I'd prefer to sit back and observe til I am comfortable, but my Boy says "uh yeah, no. Go do it."

Sometimes that's exactly what I need.

In other news!

Nothing big planned this weekend. Chilling with my friends and boyfriend, monday there's a concert in the works (oh switchfoot! and third day! i love thee!)

I haven't talked to my parents in a bit. it's been crazy busy this week. Closing everynight. I need to call my dad tonight at some point.

My sisters baby shower date was set. I'm uber cited. Hope it's a boy. I'll write more later.
~E --30--

Let me just start by saying, I am so happy.

Things are finally looking up and I can see God's hand all over it.

The best thing would have to be the recent development of I got a boyfriend. And he's fantastic. He truly seeks after God in the little things, and we are so often (to be read most of the time) on the same page on most things.

Now, to the downside of this.

My friend, SW. can't seem to handle it. She truly is a dear friend, even though we share differing religious views.

She doesn't like D2 at all, even though he's an amazing man. Even my parents like him, and my Dad's not keen on boys that date his daughters.

To the point of, me even mentioning his name, causes her to go into tensile mood. Which is quite counter to her previous statement of " I want you to be able to talk to me about him."

Now I know that 1) she's not on the same wavelength as far as spiritual matters goes, so she can't really comprehend that aspect of mine and D2's relationship. 2) she's slightly jealous of the fact I have a fantastic guy in my life. (For whom I thank Christ for often) 3) she's afraid this will change our relationship for the worse.

I can't argue that. I mean relationships change everyday, not all changes are bad, though. And Mine and SW's will change but I'm not going cut her out of my life. In fact, I make every attempt to make time to see her, she seems to be the one that doesn't want to see me.

write more later. CLass is out

--30--